What To Do If You Had Sex Too Soon And It’s Got You Feeling Insecure
by Tomas Kukic
Have you ever had sex too soon in the relationship, noticed the guy cooling off~and wondered how to deal with that? So did ‘Denise’, who wrote me:
“I met ‘Mike’ on Valentine’s Day, and we really hit it off. He is an amazing kisser, a complete gentleman, a very successful businessman, and he really admires me and my pursuit of my career. Problem is, we couldn’t resist having sex on only the SECOND date, which was this past Saturday! The next night, I saw that he had logged back onto the dating website.”
Ugh! What a terrible, insecure feeling.
Why the double standard?
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Where do these concerns come from? After all, women don’t penalize men for their sexual ease!
Although it’s not fair, science finds that it’s true: Men tend to think that if you had sex with them quickly or easily, you’ll continue making yourself available to other men. In fact, guys are so hard-wired to avoid genetic oblivion through unwittingly rearing other men’s offspring, they’re biologically protected against it: Dopamine, a biochemical men must have in order to fall in love, drops if a woman has sex before he’s become really attached. (The evolutionary psychology argument continues that we women, who always know the baby is our genetic slam-dunk, don’t have to worry about men’s clear and present sexual availability; it’s meaningless to whether or not we cast our own genes, aka children.)
In other words, most of men’s double standard isn’t even conscious. They’re literally wired up to protect themselves against putting all their energies into a woman who might not put all of her eggs in his basket.
Sound unreasonable? Maybe. But in studies of these things, it turns out that how quickly a woman has sex with a guy is the single biggest predictor of whether she’ll cheat later on.
What can you do?
Yet there is something Denise can say to Mike to ratchet things down. Here’s what I advised for her~and, if you’re a woman in her shoes, for you.
At the beginning of the very next date, at a point when you two are in no danger of having sex (such as in the middle of dinner in, one hopes, a public locale), say something along these lines:
“I like you, but I barely know you, and I’m not ready to date you exclusively; sex makes a relationship exclusive and serious too quickly, at least for me. So let’s just keep getting to know each other, and leave the sex out of it until we’re both really sure we don’t want to date others. Okay?”
(He might say he’s ready…you can then smile sweetly and say that you’re not there just yet.)
What this short speech does for you:
—It’s honest. Most women can’t continue dating around while having sex with a guy, and if you’re in the sex-too-soon situation, you’re not ready for a mini-marriage/monogamous commitment to this man.
—It keeps you from wasting a lot of time and emotion being prematurely committed to a guy who could be wrong for you. Again, you don’t know him non-Biblically yet, yet studies show that 3/4ths of women can’t remain emotionally detached once having sex….and 3/4ths of guys can. Time to take things back to a level appropriate to your true level of intimacy.
—It prevents him from being convinced he’s got you, and thus prevents his thinking that he doesn’t have to pursue or court you anymore. Note Mike’s behavior; he went right back online just when a man in love shuts down his dating profile.
—It puts you one-up, because you’re effectively saying that not only aren’t you having more sex with him (yet), you’re back on the mating market and open to dating other men. Which you should be.
Men are born, raised, and work in lives permeated by hierarchy. Studies prove it; where women ‘tend and befriend’, men look for their place in the pack, even if it’s merely a pack of two.
At the start, if you’re one-down, kiss anything goodbye that’s worthwhile and long-term. On the other hand, your being one-up lets him figure out whether he emotionally connects with being lucky to have you, and whether you’re worth polishing the antlers and doing battle for.
—It reassures him of two things nearly every man wants to know: You’re a good paternity risk, and you’re high-status.
This speech effectively says that you don’t sleep around, and that this is atypical of your usual behavior. Plus, it shows you’re high-status because you can afford to say “not now” to him. He’s already high-status, so you can bet your sweet bottom he’s status-driven and won’t settle for less than someone he knows to be a total catch (as indeed he should not!).
—It gives you your power back. Which feels oh-so-much more secure than waiting for someone you barely know to “lend” it back to you, right?
Denise could have blown it if she had clung to Mike like an ivy vine, but she didn’t. She bolted, which was the thing to do. And with the repair advice above, she turned this around. She did the seemingly impossible: She un-rang the sexual bell.
So when you meet someone great, try to hold off on the sex until you’re sure he’s in love. But if you didn’t wait, it might not be too late.
Susan: What do you think? Have you ever tried this? How do you think men will respond? Would you feel guilty saying no to sex after you’d already consented once? Why? I think Duana has come up with a very interesting strategy – let’s discuss!
